Teaching Kids to Deal With Anger

Anger is an integral part of the human experience; stealing guns and killing one's enemies is not. Anger is often justified; personal vengeance is not. Anger properly managed bears the mark of godliness; anger out of control will send people to hell.

To insist that Christians should not experience anger is not only foolish, it is unbiblical. Even Jesus, though He was God manifested in flesh, experienced anger (Mk. 3:5). Yet, "...when He was reviled, did not revile in return . . ."(1 Pet. 2:23). Anger doesn't have to be the destructive explosion witnessed recently in Jonesboro, and seen daily in the streets of America.

Two young boys lying in ambush for their school chums is an aberration. It is not the normal reaction of normal children. Many children grow up with a basic understanding of right and wrong that governs their behavior even when angry. But how are children to learn self-control, and how are Christian parents to instill this essential element of anger-management in their offspring?

If the world seems to be struggling with concepts of right and wrong, it is because the world at large no longer recognizes any absolutes. We've grown so "sophisticated"and "tolerant"in our thinking that nothing can be condemned. Oh sure, children shooting other children is wrong, but why? Moral relativists are at a loss to explain "sin"or "wrong" in any moral context, because they will admit of no moral context. It is only that which offends society that is condemned; but society is growing less and less easily offended. Behavior that once shocked the average American is now on prime-time television. And as we continue "slouching towards Gomorrah,"as Judge Robert Bork puts it, successive generations will have an increasingly difficult time defining right and wrong.

Parents must start the indoctrination of godliness from birth. Bible stories and videos should occupy their minds at least as much as Barney. Children must be so thoroughly immersed in the word of God that its precepts become second nature to them. But most of us don't do a very good job at this. We rely on Bible class teachers, in a mere couple of hours a week, to train our babies in the ways of God. Many parents have abdicated their roles to "the church."God forbid. Perhaps those who warned against formal classes many years ago had a point after all. God has always placed the responsibility of a child's spiritual education squarely on the shoulders of parents. Period.

"These words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children. . . ."(Deut. 6:6-7). These are not idle words. This is a strict charge from Jehovah to His people, and the point is timeless. It is not the occasional reference to the Bible that instills godly principles in children; it's the genuine building of lives thereon. When truth is discussed often in the home, when children can see that parents truly try to follow God's word, when decisions of everyday activities are decided against the backdrop of God's will, it makes an impression on children. And all of this serves as the foundation for learning to deal with anger.

When children come to realize that right is always right and wrong is always wrong, it gives them secure boundaries in which to vent themselves. When they learn that foul language, violence, and retribution cannot be justified by a simple "Well, he made me mad!"they take a giant step in learning to handle anger maturely.

Surely, the media doesn't help. Today's Terminator-mentality that settles disagreements by extermination is an interesting phenomenon in a society that considers itself civilized. Worldly neighbors who vehemenetly curse in the hearing of little ears only serve to undermine parental exhortations to purity. And when the local Barnes and Noble bookstore sports an entire section of reading materials under the heading of "White House Scandals" it would be awfully easy to credit moral decline solely to environment. But the primary environment of a child is his home, and godly parents still have the power to control what goes on inside.

The other missing link in today's world is firm, consistent discipline. There is an obvious link between moral relativism and making children face the consequences of their actions. We are cautioned not to sound accusatory when correcting our children; we are warned not to damage their self esteem; we live in constant fear of warping their psyche. Actually, it is their other end that needs warping occasionally! Today's mantra is that "spanking teaches children to be violent." No, it does not. It teaches them to hush and behave. "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of correction will drive it far from him"(Prov. 22:15). The most violent children are often those who have never been firmly, consistenly corrected by parents wielding the moral authority of God's word.

When toddlers first learn to say "No!"to parental instructions, they need to be spanked for being disrespectful. When they throw temper fits, they need to be spanked again. They should never be allowed to "benefit"by using their anger. Of course it is tough on parents, but who ever said it wouldn't be? The bottom line is, parents have to win these battles! To let a child learn that throwing a fit, or pouting, or yelling, or punching he can get what he wants is to create a little monster that will never learn to deal with people in the real world.

Ultimately, the way to deal with anger is to just get over it. Nothing that we get angry over is worth losing our soul! Anger is dangerous (James 1:20) and can quickly propel us into sin as we lose control of self. As parents we must be certain we are teaching our children that sin always brings consequences and that anger can never justify sin. Then, and only then, can they learn to "be angry, and sin not"(Ephesians 4:26).