When Good Kids Go Bad

His name is Carlton Stowers. He is a widely read author. Then his 25-year-old son brutally murdered his ex-wife. Mr. Stowers suddenly found himself in a nightmare of legal battles, arrests, and publicity. He wrote a book to try to deal with it all, and in a recent interview made this poignant statement: "Most parents out there do everything they can for their children. But there are no guarantees, and that's probably the most frightening thing about parenting."

King David certainly knew that truth, didn't he? It what may well qualify as the saddest verse in the Old Testament he mourns his rebellious child's demise: "O my son Absalom; my son, my son Absalom; if only I had died in your place! O Absalom my son, my son!" (2 Samuel 18:33). Absalom serves as the prototypical "bad kid." He engaged in murder and other lawless behaviors, finally making an attempt to overthrow his own father's throne. Yet still David longed for him and hurt that he was no more. What can parents of troubled and "bad" children learn from David?

When good kids go bad we may need to repent. David made a number of mistakes with Absalom. He failed to punish him for murdering his half-brother (2 Samuel 14:39), and allowed alienation between father and son to occur without taking steps to stop it (2 Samuel 14:28). Yes, every person has free will and makes his or her own decisions. Yet, we are creatures of choice and environment. Our parents play a large role in who we are (see Prov. 22:7). This is precisely why God mandates parents look after and nourish spiritual concerns: God believes parents can positively influence children. Unfortunately, the other side of that coin is that we can negatively influence our children as well. If we have failed to be the example Christ requires of us we bear some responsibility for the choices our children make. There is no mistake about this: such is sinful. We have sinned against the child, and against God. The only remedy for such sin is repentance. This is a painful process in which we stop rationalizing what we did, stop pretending we didn't do it, and then determine to cease that sin. Part of that process is confession, both to God and yes, to the child. If the child is still within our realm of influence, they should see a marked and consistent change in our behavior. If the child is now grown and gone we still need to ask for forgiveness and demonstrate the kind of tenderness toward God's word we wish so much would be a part of their lives. Let us not fail to acknowledge the role we have had in things as they are, and if necessary, seek God's forgiveness for our mistakes.

When good kids go bad we must not let that affect our entire family. When Absalom died David was so wrought up with emotion that he refused to go and congratulate his army. These men had gone into the field and risked their lives for David. They had put down a rebellion that threatened the entire nation, and yet the king was mourning the rebel leader! It should have been a time of joy and celebration but instead "so the victory that day was turned into mourning for all the people. For the people heard it said that day, 'The king is grieved for his son'" (2 Samuel 19:2). It took Joab's blunt words to wake David up: "Today you have disgraced all your servants who today have saved your life . . . in that you love your enemies and hate your friends. For you have declared today that you regard neither princes nor servants; for today I perceive that if Absalom had lived and all of us had died today, then it would have pleased you well. Now therefore, arise, go out and speak comfort to your servants. For I swear by the Lord, if you do not go out, not one will stay with you this night. And that will be worse for you than all the evil that has befallen you from your youth until now" (2 Samuel 19:5-7). David was damaging the morale of Israel due to his concern for Absalom. Parents with a rebellious child may find themselves drawn deeper and deeper into that child's problems, to the neglect of other children. Sorrow and heartache may turn other family celebrations into mourning. A violent reaction away from any kind of limitations ("that just ruined Johnny") may lead other children to be improperly parented and turn out just as sinful. It is a tremendous challenge to maintain balance in such a crisis -- but this challenge must be met.

Finally, when good kids go bad the parents must go on. This is what David did (2 Samuel 19:8-9), and so we must do. We did the best we could, we have asked to be forgiven for our failures, and now we go on. We cannot endlessly "cry about spilled milk." We will never stop praying that this child will stop his or her wickedness, but our lives cannot be about a continual rehash of the past. We cannot keep analyzing everything to see "what we did wrong." Do what it takes to be forgiven, and then move on. Let us move forward to do better in the future, and not be weighed down with the past.

There is nothing that any parent dreads more than a child who grows to refuse God. We work and pray that such will not happen but there are no guarantees. So, if our worst fears come to pass let us work through such a disaster with these biblical principles before us. And never forget -- some prodigals do come home.