Resolving Problems

Every marriage has difficulties. When folks live together in close quarters it won't take long for every idiosyncrasy, bad habit and weird idea to become apparent. When Mrs. Newlywed finds out that Mr. Newlywed thinks the NFL is more important than playing bridge with her mother sparks may fly! What is going to happen next?

The world says "Try to fix it, but don't sweat it - just divorce." Jesus says "What God has joined together, let not man separate" (Matthew 19:6). If we are to follow Christ's teaching we must stay together despite problems. What can we do then to resolve them so they do not fester on to destroy marital bliss?

Is it too simple to say "Act like Christians?" The principles of Christian conduct as laid down by the Lord in the Sermon on the Mount amply cover how to act and react to troubles in marriage. Open your Bible to Matthew 5 and note some of Jesus' teachings in this great mountain sermon that are particularly applicable to marriage crises:

Watch what you say. "But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment." (5:22). In anger we can speak words that leave wounds time cannot heal. Jesus cautions here against congratulating yourself that you didn't murder anyone (v. 21). Anger leads to other destructive sins besides just murder! Be careful you don't kill your marriage in a moment of rage.

Don't let problems linger. "Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift" (5:23-24). The Sermon on the Mount mandates that issues and misunderstandings be resolved - quickly. Even the worship of God Almighty is put on hold while offenses with others are fixed. I have never yet counseled a marriage in trouble that our talk wasn't full of "you did --- way back when" followed with "Well, I remember when you . . . " A failure to speedily resolve disagreements and hurt feelings violates Christ's teaching and can irreparably damage your marriage.

Refuse lust. "But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (5:28). Surely we are smart enough to realize that adultery is an absolute death blow to a marriage. Yet do we realize that Jesus tells us where the seeds of this great sin are planted? "Lust in the heart" is the beginning of the end for many marriages! There are so many opportunities to peep at imagery designed to induce nothing but lust. Swimsuit magazines, catalogs, billboards, television shows - if we want we can bathe our minds in filth. Is it any surprise then that our resolve to remedy problems at home weakens? Without even being aware of it we may be subtly comparing our partner to others and deciding that he or she just isn't as perfect. Lust is working, and our marriage is dying.

Give up on revenge. "You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.' But I tell you not to resist an evil person" (5:38-39). How much energy is wasted in troubled marriages by mates scheming how they will get back at each other? He insulted me, so I must insult him back. She took advantage of me so I will take double advantage of her. Piece by piece we are building barriers of mistrust and suspicion that make rescuing such a marriage nearly impossible.

Pray together. "In this manner, therefore, pray: Our Father in heaven, Hallowed be Your name . . . " (6:9). What would happen in your marriage if the next time you and your spouse quarreled, you got down on your knees together and prayed? "Dear Lord, we are fighting and we know You hate strife in the home. Humble us to see who is wrong here, give us the courage to admit it and repent. We want to hallow Your name, please help us do right." Genuine prayer can be the balm that heals the deep cuts of arguing and conflict.

Look to yourself before you accuse your mate. "Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you" (7:1-2). When people fail or make a mistake they usually attribute it to circumstances beyond their control but when other make the same mistake it is quickly attributed to personal defects and failings! This is precisely the kind of double standard and hypocritical judging that Jesus deplores in these verses. No, Jesus is not forbidding every kind of judgment here (see John 7:24) but He is certainly striking against those who would hold others to a standard higher than they wish to rise to. How can a marriage possibly thrive when my mistakes are just "bad luck" but my wife's mistakes show, I am certain, that she is "lazy and good for nothing"?

Jesus concludes the mountain message by urging us to be wise enough to build our house upon the rock of His words (7:24-27). Such will withstand any storm, He assures us. Is it not fitting to think of building our marriage upon Jesus' teaching as a kind of insurance against divorce? While being Christian does not insure against having troubles in a marriage, it insures those problems will not destroy our marriage. Read the Sermon on the Mount together and let Jesus help you solve every problem!