Married With Children

"Behold, children are a gift of the Lord; The fruit of the womb is a reward" (Ps. 127:3).

Children are certainly a gift from God. They are also a joy and a blessing and a source of great pride. Unfortunately, they can also be a strain on a marriage, and that can be doubly tough because of the guilt a parent may feel.

This article is not about raising children, because our theme is holding marriages together, but some things will have to be said regarding the discipline of children in order to properly handle this topic. The question to be answered is, "What does one do to hold a marriage together through the problems of raising children and the time demands placed on parents?"

We are indebted to God to spend time with our children, His gift. Many translations say that "children are a heritage of the Lord," and this implies responsibility on our part. That responsibility is to "Train up a child in the way he should go" (Prov. 22:6). This automatically means for the new parents that they will have less time for one another, but it does not relieve them of responsibility toward their marriage. For one thing, children need to see Mom and Dad in a positive, loving relationship, for this will go farther in instructing them about choosing a mate and building a marriage than any words parents can speak. But for the most part, new parents need to keep building on their marriage so that when the children are gone, they will have a rich, full life together (see also page 7).

How does one continue to build a marriage despite the decrease in time available together? Several steps can help in this area. First, remember how important time together is. This will help you to remember to carve out time for one another (for a reminder of this important part of marriage, see Song of Solomon 2:8-14). No marriage can survive if the husband and wife do not make time to be together, or else it will be a sham held together for the wrong reasons. If a priority is placed on building up our marriages, time will be found to do so, even if it means we have to stay up a little later, get up earlier, or give up something else which subtracts time from us. As a personal reference, some of our biggest decisions have been made during what could be called "pillow talk" between when the kids go to bed and 1:00 AM! The next day, we were tired, but we were often better people and more committed to one another. The point is, there are only 24 hours in a day, and we must find time for each other somewhere.

Another important factor is the opportunity to teach children the world does not revolve around them. Children have so many things in which to participate. There is worship, school, homework, baseball (or football, basketball, track, soccer, etc.), music, friends and any number of other activities, all of which usually require a parent driving back and forth. Some also require at least some sum of money, usually furnished by a parent. Sometimes, parents need to say, "No." It will help them to see that some things are not worth the time they take away from our families, and it will help them begin to see that there are more important causes in life than their pleasure. I fear that sometimes we are raising a nation of children like David's children, gifted with many pleasures, but lacking character (see 2 Samuel). Have your children choose between two activities, which will help them learn to prioritize. Not only do children need to be refused occasionally, but they need to know, at least sometimes, that they can't go do what they wanted to do, because Mom and Dad "have a date." Explain to them how important it is that their parents have an opportunity to build their love together.

Finally, make as many things as are possible "family opportunities." Let the children see Mom and Dad having fun with each other and with them. Help them to see a strong family where everyone (Mom, Dad, children) has a place and a role. Make some of these opportunities work, so they can learn the value of teamwork in a family.

Children are a gift from God, and that means tremendous responsibility for parents. But they need not create a great strain on our marriages, especially if we are willing to continue to love one another and work at building a relationship which will stand once the children are gone.