Dealing With the Empty Nest

No parent will deny that having children drastically changes our lives. From the birth of the first child to the leaving of the last, they demand (and deserve) considerable time and attention. Even in their early years we find ourselves more and more oriented to their activities and schedules than our own. Shortly after diapers we sit through little league games that seem to last forever, through long recitals, ball or band practice, and many other activities. Moreover, we do it without regrets because time spent with our children is always prime time; time that could not be better invested. Yet, all too soon we find ourselves in that quite quietness that comes when children go. Then, we might think: "at last! . . . No more repeated wake-up calls, no more bathroom hogging, unmade beds and junked up rooms; no more scrambling to fix breakfast, pack lunches, and catch school buses. No more anxious moments wondering where they are after curfew, fearing a telephone call from the hospital or police. Finally, it's just you and me again! What a welcome relief!" . . . Or is it?

Although adjustments may be needed in making the transition to the empty nest, it need not be a traumatic or frustrating experience. In fact, it can be a welcome introduction to the richest years of married life. In looking back, we thank God for children who have brightened our lives and filled our schedules. At the same time, we must remember that He intended them as a blessing (Ps. 127:3); not a wedge to come between us nor a glue to hold our marriage together. If preoccupation with them has led to our taking one another for granted, then our first order of business is to clear the cobwebs from a neglected relationship. After all, there is no expiration date on marriage vows! Did we not faithfully promise to love, cherish, and honor one another for the rest of our lives together? Remembering the love that brought us together and the vows we exchanged years ago might help refresh some marriages.

Likewise, remembering some plain Bible teaching could prove helpful. Peter writes certain brethren to stir them up by putting them in remembrance of God's word (2 Pet. 1:13; 3:1,2). Like them, we know these things, but most of us need "stirring" (awakening) with such reminders. For example, the Bible says that husbands are to love their wives "even as Christ loved the church, and gave himself up for it . . ." (Eph. 5:25). Also, that older women are to "train the young women to love their husbands . . ." (Titus 2:4). This love involves much more than emotion. God is not telling us how to feel about one another, but how to treat each other! In fact, "Love can be known only by the action it prompts" (Vine). Furthermore, such love is never an option! Those who do not love their mates in a giving and self-sacrificing way not only violate their vows, the sin against each other and against God. No doubt many stale marriages could find new life if all inconsiderate mates could be stirred to demonstrate the kind of love God wants us to have for each other, whether our nest is full or empty.

Other scripture can be equally helpful. For instance, God says that love is long-suffering and kind (1 Cor. 13:4). Cultivating these qualities will enhance any relationship, but their practice should begin in the home, the real proving ground of faith. The first to benefit from any improvement in our conduct ought to be those we live with and love the most. Even the smallest act of kindness can go a long way in relieving tension and promoting peace in the home. In addition, developing patience and long-suffering would help avert needless arguments, "blowing our stacks," and saying hurtful things to each other. Verbal abuse can be just as devastating as physical abuse and has no place in the homes of Christians, ever! "Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and railing, be put away from you, with all malice, and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other . . ." (Eph. 4:31,32). Post that reminder on your refrigerator door!

Finally, God says that love is not selfish (1 Cor. 13:5). In my judgment the sin of selfishness has wrecked more homes and divided more families than all other sins put together. Scarcely any family has been spared its heartbreaking effects. Paul prophesied of perilous times when men would be lovers of self (2 Tim. 3:2). We know such times have come when personal pleasures and selfish interests take priority over loved ones. And heed this word of warning: selfishness is always more apparent in others than in self.

The nature of the nest will be determined by the faith and character of its occupants. If Christians, they understand that none is better blessed in this life than the husband or wife whose mate loves God best (Mt. 23:37) and strives to please Him most in all things . . . including the marriage relationship. That is the kind of mate you and I want and need throughout our married life . . . and that is the kind of mate you and I must strive to be! It's never too late to start. Doing so will make our sunset years the best of all and will make our nest the kind our children will want to come back to.