The Need For Romance

The relationship between a husband and wife is fraught with pitfalls. It seems as though Satan has an angle at every turn to try and drive a wedge between spouses. Other articles in this issue have touched on staying focused on the marriage and one another throughout dealing with children, conflict and illness, but one of the greatest enemies a marriage has is that of familiarity, routine and neglect in dealing with intimacy. A frank discussion of what God has to say about sexuality will help us overcome some of these problems.

First, let us dispel a few myths. Some have said that religion has no place in discussing sex except as it pertains to sin, and some religions believe and teach that sex has only one place in marriage: procreation. Not long ago, the pope even went as far as saying it was sin for a man to lust after his own wife! However, such views can be dismissed by looking at the writings of Solomon in Proverbs 5:15-19 and in the Song of Solomon. These are candid, honest looks at spouses who are exhilarated with the joys of physical love.

Further, for too long, many have stressed the "duty" aspect of 1 Cor. 7:3-5 until they have reduced sexuality to a drudgery filled chore which must be completed, not unlike doing the dishes or mowing the lawn. We have no interest in the "free morality" (read: immorality) of what has been characterized as the sexual revolution (ref. Heb. 13:4), but neither should we be caught up in Puritanical ideas of sexuality as some dirty necessity. In fact, a healthy sexual relation between a husband and wife will go far in preserving that marriage for life, the very thing upon which we have focused this special issue.

But what of the familiarity and routine mentioned in our first paragraph? How does one deal with that? Does the Bible even address such a topic?

In the Song of Solomon, a beautiful picture is painted of the joys of married love. But rather than give us a rose-colored view of a marriage without problems, Solomon deals with what could be some very serious problems. First, one will note the importance placed on remaining pure before marriage (2:7). Many marriages have been destroyed by a familiarity that comes from pre-marital relations, making what is supposed to be a special addition to the bond between husband and wife a common thing.

In addition, Solomon deals with many of the things which counselors are only just beginning to understand. Early in the book, the bride is insecure, even ashamed of her physical appearance (1:6-7), but he reassures her of her own beauty and his attraction to her (1:8-11). The psychologists continually speak today of the issue of low self-esteem among women, but Solomon addresses it here. Women need to know that they are loved and that they are worthy of love.

Solomon also places great emphasis on romance, and in so doing recognizes the differences between men and women. When men talk of romance, they generally mean sex, while when women discuss romance they mean intimacy, which may or may not include sex. In the Song of Solomon, both parties recognize these differences, so that we find instances of the wife initiating sexual activity (7:10-13), but we also find the husband being patient and kind when she does not desire sex (chapters 5- 6). How many problems in this area could be resolved with simple understanding?

Much of Solomon's book is filled with simple lessons on romance. There are descriptions of the need for them to be together, to spend time with one another (2:8-14). It is when husbands and wives fail to spend time together that they grow apart (imagine that). There are many loving portrayals of the bride's beauty (4:1-6; 6:4-12), and there are twin lessons to be learned from these passages. First, men need to remember why they chose their wives and they need to tell her of their continued attraction to her. Also, women need to remember the power of the visual image for men, and they need to remember how they worked to make sure their husbands noticed them in the beginning (see his description of her as she dances, 6:13-7:9).

Solomon's picture of romance also includes remembering how their love grew, and the bride advocates returning "to the country" where their love first blossomed (7:10-13). It is clear that sometimes couples need to "return" to what drew them together in the first place, certainly in their minds, but maybe a physical return is warranted as well, remembering some romantic place which may be special only to them.

Finally, there is the refrain, "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine" (6:3, but similarly in 2:16; 7:10). The beauty of the phrase lies in the recognition that this is a unique relationship, filled with the joy which comes in knowing that for both of them, there is no other who elicits such tenderness, passion and desire. This is that wonderful combination of the selfless love of Eph. 5, and the romantic love of Solomon's song.